Alone

I remember the first morning that I was alone with Julia after she was born. My mother had spent the first week of Julia's life with us, helping out with baby duty and -- far more importantly -- babying me a bit. I was terrified when she left... afraid not only of being alone and fully responsible for that small life, but even more so of my new reality. My new life as a parent, which had seemed an exciting adventure with my mom constantly by my side to consult, loomed huge and frightening alone; a great big unknown that it was too late to back out of if I found that I didn't like it.

Once again, my mom's helped to pave the way into a life transition for me this past week. She accompanied us to London and helped us set up household in our temporary accommodations, quietly taking over so efficiently that it was Wednesday before I realized that I didn't even know how to run my own dishwasher. She watched Evan while we schlepped around to half a dozen schools with Julia and she watched both kids while we schlepped around to half a million homes with a relocation agent. (More on the home thing shortly; we have a verbal agreement to lease a place, but I don't want to jinx anything by writing about it before it's all finalized in writing.) And at the end of every long day, she was here waiting to hear my stories and share in the triumphs and frustrations of my days.

My mom left this morning. "You're on your own now," she told me as she hugged me goodbye, and the fear and uncertainty I felt in that moment was strikingly reminiscent of the way I'd felt when she left me alone with my first baby. With my mom gone, we are now truly on our own in London. There is no one here to keep an eye on our kids while we do the errands required to get ourselves established. There is no one here to show an interest in our lives or ask about our days. We have each other, and that's no small thing, but there is no one else here who loves and cares about us right now.

I found all of those things and more after Julia was born. In a matter of months, I had built up both my confidence and my community. I had friends to chat with, places to go and things to do, and I have to trust that I will find all of those things here, too. But I don't have them yet, and I know they won't come overnight. I've got a long road ahead of me. And I miss my Mommy.